How Damien Stole Christmas
by CoolasDuck
Summary: a parody of How the Grinch stole Christmas. told in Pip's Point of View


Every person  
>Up in South Park<br>Liked Christmas a lot...

But Damien,  
>Who lived in Hell,<br>Did NOT!

Damien hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!  
>Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.<br>It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.  
>It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight.<br>But I think that the most likely reason of all  
>May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.<p>

But,  
>Whatever the reason,<br>His heart or his pants,  
>He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating South Park,<br>Staring into his crystal ball with a sour, demonic frown  
>At the warm lighted windows in their town.<br>For he knew every citzen up in South Park above  
>Was busy now, making a Christmas feast.<p>

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.  
>"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"<br>Then he growled, with his flaming fingers nervously drumming,  
>"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"<br>For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the cizen of South Park  
>Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!<br>And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!  
>That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!<p>

Then the mortals, young and old, would sit down to a feast.  
>And they'd feast! And they'd feast!<br>And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!  
>They would start on southern-pudding, and rare southern-roast-beast<br>Which was something Damien couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN  
>They'd do something he liked least of all!<br>Every person up in South Park, the tall and the small,  
>Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.<br>They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the people would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!  
>AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!<br>And the more Damien thought of the Christmas-Sing  
>The more he thought, "I must stop this whole thing!<br>"Why for too many years I've put up with it now!  
>I MUST stop Christmas from coming!<br>...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!  
>An awful idea!<br>DAMIEN  
>GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!<p>

"I know just what to do!" He Laughed in his throat.  
>And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.<br>And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great demonic trick!  
>"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"<p>

"All I need is a reindeer..."  
>Damien looked around.<br>But since reindeer aren't in hell, there was none to be found.  
>Did that stop the old Demon...?<br>No! Damien simply said,  
>"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"<br>So he called his slave Cartmen. Then he took some red thread  
>And he tied a big horn on top of his head.<p>

THEN  
>He loaded some bags<br>And some old empty sacks  
>On a ramshakle sleigh<br>And he hitched up old Eric.

Then Damien said, "Giddyap!"  
>And the sleigh started down<br>Toward the homes where the people  
>Lay a-snooze in their town.<p>

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.  
>All the citizens were all dreaming sweet dreams without care<br>When he came to the first house in the square.  
>"This is stop number one," The old demon Claus hissed<br>And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.  
>But if Santa could do it, then so could the prince of darkness.<br>He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.  
>Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue<br>Where the little red stockings all hung in a row.  
>"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"<p>

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,  
>Around the whole room, and he took <span>every<span> present!  
>Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!<br>Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!  
>And he stuffed them in bags. Then Damien, very nimbly,<br>Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the whole feast!  
>He took the southern-pudding! He took the roast beast!<br>He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.  
>Why, that demon even took their last can of southern-hash!<p>

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.  
>"And NOW!" grinned Damien, "I will stuff up the tree!"<p>

And he grabbed the tree, and he started to shove  
>When he heard a small sound like the stumble of a klutz.<br>He turned around fast, and he saw a small blonde!  
>Little Butters Scotch, who was half asleep.<p>

Damien had been caught by this little blonde  
>Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.<br>Butters stared at Damien and said, "Santy Claus, why,  
>"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"<p>

But, you know, that old demon was so smart and so slick  
>He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!<br>"Why, my sweet little blonde," the fake Santy Claus lied,  
>"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.<br>"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.  
>"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."<p>

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted his head  
>And Damien got him a drink and sent Butters to bed.<br>And when Butters went to bed with his cup,  
>Damien went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!<p>

Then the last thing he took  
>Was the log for their fire.<br>Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.  
>On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.<p>

And the one speck of food  
>That he left in the house<br>Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then  
>He did the same thing<br>To the other people's houses

Leaving crumbs  
>Much too small<br>For the other peoples' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...  
>All of South Park, still a-bed<br>All of South Park, still a-snooze  
>When he packed up his sled,<br>Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!  
>The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!<p>

Three thousand feet down! To the seventh layer of hell,  
>He rode to the lava pit to dump it!<br>"Screw South Park!" he was demonically humming.  
>"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!<br>"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!  
>"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two<br>"The all the people up in South Park will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned Damien,  
>"That I simply must hear!"<br>So he paused. And he put a hand to his ear.  
>And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.<br>It started with Chef. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!  
>Why, this sound sounded merry!<br>It couldn't be so!  
>But it WAS merry! VERY!<p>

He stared up at South Park!  
>Damien popped his eyes!<br>Then he shook!  
>What he saw was a shocking surprise!<p>

Every person up in South Park, the tall and the small,  
>Was singing! Without any presents at all!<br>He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!  
>IT CAME!<br>Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Damien, with his sneakers warming up in the lava,  
>Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?<br>It came without ribbons! It came without tags!  
>"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"<br>And he thought three hours, `till his thinker was sore.  
>Then Damien thought of something he hadn't before!<br>"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.  
>"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"<p>

And what happened then...?  
>Well...I like to say<br>That Damien's small heart  
>Grew a few sizes that day!<br>And the minute I convinced him to give something back,  
>Damien whizzed with his load through the bright morning light<br>And he brought back the toys! BUT not the food for the feast!  
>He...<p>

...HE HIMSELF...!  
>Damien kept the roast beast!<p> 


End file.
